BUILDING PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT

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I have always believed that "success" is the measure of the person I am. Hence, spending hours in the library and subsequently, slogging away behind the office desk was a given. Anyone who complains of long hours and hard work is deemed weak. I subscribed to the saying: If you are not Somebody you are Nobody and I worked hard at making sure everyone knew I was Somebody.

Well, I was Somebody all right, but I soon learnt that being Somebody can be lonely. To my colleagues I was "the threat", to my subordinates I was the "B#$%@", to my friends I was "too busy"and to my family I was "absent". If a name describes a person, then I truly did not like who I have become. The Somebody I have become is not at all the person I had worked so hard to be.

After 18 years of studying and 10 years in the working world, I find myself divorced and living alone and realizing that "success" is measured on many fronts, but more importantly it does not make a person. A few weeks ago, Pastor Chew spoke on the book of Exodus and how many of us are slaves to Egypt, building pyramids for ourselves and forgetting the promised land. This truly hit home.

I am starting with small gestures, taking time to call friends up just to see how they are, remembering their birthdays and spending time with my family. I recently took a day off work just to take my nephew to Genting Highlands! To many it wouldn't mean much, for everyone who knows me, it's almost unheard of. (Remember I was the type who use to take pride in not taking leave and never calling in sick.) But the look on his face at the rides and how he still talks about that day being James' Day with a twinkle in his eyes, I know that we will all remember that trip for a long time.

Today I am called by nicer names, "Yi Yi", "best friend", "terribly lazy sleepy one" ;-)

Confession : Guilt Post

Been checking the blog and found that it has been stagnant for a while. Have been busy and, also, been going through a little "down period" last few weeks, hence could not be bothered to post anything. But I've picked up these days, by the Grace of God, and after a little chat with Anna this morning, felt kinda guilty that I haven't done my bit so here it is - a new post, mostly out of guilt, but also because I have a little time with nothing really urgent or pressing today ... :-)

The only little problem is I don't really have any story in mind, or any inspirational thoughts that I think is worthy of sharing. But I also realised that if I were to wait for "worthy thoughts" or something special before I blog, it might be forever! So I decided, what the heck, just do it!

I guess what's foremost on my mind is to give thanks to God. Like I said, was going through some down time, and the fact that I feel lifted now is already something I am totally grateful for. Thank you, God, for your Grace. And during this down time, I thank God for Cornerstone sisters who took time to just hear me out, talk to me and encourage me, and most of all, upheld me in prayer. You know who you are, may God bless you for being there. I truly appreciate it.

Well, I thank God for being gracious because during this down time, I didn't "feel" very hot for God, if you know what I mean. Fire seemed to have sort of slowed (thank God it didn't die down) and problems seemed larger than life. But one thing I told myself - that even when my prayers sounded empty, when the songs I sing didn't seem to lift me up, when my heart didn't seem to be very close to God - I decided that I would not stop. I made up my mind that empty though everything may seem - better empty prayers and praises than no prayers and praises. If nothing else, I will NOT let the Devil have the pleasure of robbing God of that. But in case you think that was awesome - don't - because nothing really happened. I went on for days substituting mere words for prayers, and played songs on the CD because the heart didn't feel like singing. There was no great uplifting or miracles. Bet even God wasn't thrilled.

But while there was seemingly nothing for me and nothing for God, God just reminded me that, at the same time, there was nothing for the Devil too. And today, as I am blogging, I know that even if I was praying out of "duty" and letting the CD sing instead of my voice, God will not hold it against me. He may not be totally estatic with me, but He is not unhappy. And because of that, He was gracious to send people along the way to help me, and pick me up. And today, I stand again, giving praise, and have learnt the lesson that I should never take another ordinary day for granted - for everyday that is not a "down" day, is truly a gift from God. I am reminded that I must never just live for the "highs" or the "up" days, and that ordinary days are indeed a blessing, and the highs are a bonus!

I should also recount some of the good things that happened when I was feeling down - my son finally graduated to KidZone, and is enjoying it. He learnt to sing "Come Holy Spirit" and has been singing it often, has been reciting memory verses and reminding me to pray when I forget! My sister has joined the cell and is enjoying it. I even had work yesterday, and got paid for it. I had the fun of trying out a "yoga" session, gym session and today, line dancing! Though I felt like an elephant trying to do ballet, it was fun.

And to anyone reading this who is going through down time - I know nothing I say will really help, so I won't pretend it will. But know this, and know this well - that God is never far, no matter how YOU feel. Be down if you must, but don't let the Devil win no matter how far down he pulls you. If you don't give in, he'll let go eventually because he'll lose patience and try something else and probably someone else. After all, patience is a Godly virtue, and the Devil is far from Godly.

And maybe, just maybe, this elephant will at least learn to move a little more gracefully, if not do the Nutcracker. As they say, hope is eternal ... :-)

God bless
Jacq